


Down by the Seaside

by whiskygalore



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mermaid!Jensen, Protective Chris, Protective Jared, Supernatural Reversebang 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 04:58:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21440602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskygalore/pseuds/whiskygalore
Summary: Jared’s taking his boyfriend for a picnic down by the seaside. What could possibly go wrong? Funny you should ask...
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 42
Kudos: 296





	Down by the Seaside

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Supernatural Reverse Bang challenge 2019. I was lucky enough to work with the amazing Sillie82 again. Her art is absolutely to die for and she is so easy to work with, I just adore her. Please go leave her lots of love on her art post!!! 
> 
> Thanks to the mod who is also amazing for running this fun challenge, Bee you rock!! And also to dugindeep for the stunningly quick beta!! Any mistakes remaining, misplaced commas, are definitely due to my fiddling after she’d finished.

[ ](https://sillie82.livejournal.com/455071.html)

^^^Link to Art Post ^^^  
  


Jared hasn’t been on a picnic in years. Not since he was a teenager desperately trying to get in Alexis’s pants. Or at least a hand in her bra. The picnic was successful in that sense. Less successful in terms of his and Alexis’s relationship, because it pretty much confirmed Jared’s worry that he only swung one way and that way was not towards boobs. 

Alexis didn’t take it well. Of course, Jared could have been slightly more subtle about breaking the news. The first thing a girl wants to hear when a guy finally manages to unfasten her bra after five minutes of inept fumbling probably isn’t, ‘shit, I really am gay, my dad’s gonna kill me.’

His dad didn’t kill him. Alexis nearly did. She was a feisty little thing. With a mean right hook. That black eye could explain Jared’s aversion to picnics ever since. 

But… this picnic is going to rock. He has a thick woolen picnic blanket that his grandma gave him, enough food from the deli and bakery to feed them for a week, and a cooler full of beer. Most importantly though, he’s going on this picnic with Jensen. And Jensen doesn’t have boobs.

Although he does have very perky nipples. 

He also has freckles, X-rated lips, gorgeous green eyes, slim bow legs that scream ‘ride ‘em cowboy’, and a peachy ass that Jared would happily set up home and live in forever.

It’s quickly becoming clear to Jared that he’s head over heels for Jensen Ackles. And he’s hopeful that, after being together for four months, Jensen thinks he’s not too big a dork either. 

Jared’s heart gives a stupid little skip of joy when he draws up to the house Jensen shares with his friend, Chris, to find Jensen standing outside waiting for him. His dick gives a happy little twitch, too, because Jesus, Jensen looks damn fine in that blue henley and, boy, those jeans hug his ass to perfection. 

The only thing that stops Jared from leaping out his truck and mauling Jensen right there is the fact that Chris is standing beside him. And is scowling so hard, his eyebrows look as though they’re plotting Jared’s death. 

“Hey, man,” Jared says, climbing out of the truck. “Everything okay? “

“Great,” Jensen says, giving Chris a pointed look before striding up to Jared, standing on his tiptoes, and planting a kiss on his lips. 

“Jensen,” Chris growls. Chris growls a lot. Jared’s used to it by now, but he still makes sure to keep Jensen in between him and Chris whenever possible... just in case. 

“Chris,” Jensen says, sounding a little pissy himself. “Back off.”

“This is a damn stupid idea, boy.”

“It’s a picnic. It’s fine.”

“And what if it’s not fine? What if something happens? It’s too dangerous, Jenny.”

Jensen scowls. His nose scrunching up in a way that probably means he’s mad as hell, but actually makes him look as threatening as a baby bunny. “Don’t call me Jenny, Christian! And for the bazillionth time, nothing is going to happen!”

Jared feels like he’s missing something. They’re only driving twenty minutes away. It’s a trip down to the seaside not an expedition to the Arctic Circle. “Is everything okay?

Chris takes a step towards him, finger-gunning up at Jared’s chest, but Jensen’s already pushing Jared back towards his truck and practically shoving him in the door. “It’s fine. Let’s just hit the road, okay?”

While Jensen’s walking around to climb into the other side of the truck, Chris takes the opportunity to lean up and growl in Jared’s window. “If you hurt him, I will find you and I will kill you.”

Jared’s nervous laughter trails off at the stony expression on Chris’s face. He has the unpleasant realization that the weird little dude is deadly serious. Jared jumps about six inches in the air, banging his head on the ceiling of the truck, when Jensen slams his door. 

With one last narrow-eyed glare pinning Jared like a bowie knife, Chris walks away while mumbling to himself about idiots and picnics and the sea-fucking-side. 

“Chris really isn’t a fan of picnics, huh?” Jared says, rubbing his head and turning to Jensen. 

A storm passes through Jensen’s eyes before they return to their normal calm green. “It’s more the sea he has an issue with. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your problem.” 

“The sea?” Jared parrots, nonplussed. “Seriously? Then why live here?” In a town right on the coast goes unsaid. 

Jensen pats his thigh. “Because… y’know, it’s kind of complicated. Don’t worry about it, honestly. Come on, let’s go.”

There’s something a little off in Jensen’s voice. His pitch a touch too high, his tone on the forced side. Jared debates pushing, but at the end of the day, if Chris has an issue with Jared taking Jensen out for a picnic, it’s not actually Jared’s problem.   
  


Jensen fidgets with the truck’s radio on the twenty-minute drive, nervously flipping from one station to the next. “You okay?” Jared asks, when Jensen, thank god, moves on from some weird Scottish whining bagpipe station.

“Yep,” Jensen says, brightly. “I’m good. Excited. Hungry. Excited. Good.”

Jared casts Jensen a worried look from the corner of his eyes before turning his attention back to the road. The turn-off to the little cove he wants to take Jensen to isn’t far away, and he doesn’t want to miss it. His boyfriend is definitely acting weird though. “You’re not going to break up with me or anything are you?” Jared asks. 

“What?” Jensen squeaks. “No! What? Why would you even think that?”

Jared spots the turn off and signals, looking in his mirror rather than at Jensen’s expression. “Because you’re acting pretty strange, Jen. Kind of jumpy.”

“I would _never_ break up with you,” Jensen says, and he sounds so forlorn that Jared feels like an asshole for even suggesting it. “Are you... do you want to... break up… with me?”

“Jesus, Jen, no,” Jared reassures him, pulling up to park so quickly that his brakes squeal in disagreement. 

Jensen’s chin is wobbling and he’s playing with his fingers. Jared sets his hand over Jensen’s and repeats firmly. “One hundred percent, I do not want to break up with you. I’m in love with you, dumbass.”

Jensen finally looks up at him. “You are?”

Jared rolls his eyes good naturedly. “I thought that was obvious.”

“You’ve never really said it,” Jensen mumbles, his cheeks turning almost as pink as his lips. 

“Well, neither have you,” Jared points out. Not that he blames Jensen. It’s damn terrifying putting your heart on the line like that.

Jared suddenly finds himself with a lapful of boyfriend. He’s vaguely aware of the love you’s spilling from Jensen between kisses, but it’s hard to concentrate on anything with the way Jensen’s ass is grinding down against Jared’s crotch, his lips hot against Jared’s mouth.

His fingers are probably digging too deep into Jensen’s hips, bruise hard, when he gathers the brain cells and willpower to hold him back. “Jesus, Jen, you’re gonna make me come in my jeans.”

Jensen smirks. Then his hands are on Jared’s belt, fingers nimbly unbuckling it. Jared catches his hand. “Jen, not that I don’t want to, but maybe here isn’t the best place.

Jensen’s smirk grows wider and then somehow Jared’s jeans are open, and Jensen has contorted his supple body so his mouth is hot around Jared’s dick, his fingers cupping his balls, and Jared’s brain is all but oozing out his ears. 

His spills down Jensen’s throat in a humiliatingly short length of time. He’d be mortified if Jensen didn’t look so smug as he licked a few escaped drops of Jared’s come from his lips. 

“Jesus,” Jared says, breathless and more than a little dazed. 

“Jensen,” Jensen corrects with a grin. “You should really get my name right, seeing as how you love me and all.”

“Uh-huh. You want...” Jared nods at the notable bulge in Jensen’s jeans. 

“Nah,” Jensen says, clambering out of the truck, straightening his clothes, and attempting to tug his henley down over his crotch. “Later. Picnic now.”

Jared’s grateful there's no one around because between Jensen’s ruffled hair and rosy cheeks, the steamed windows of the truck, and Jared’s stupefied expression and dangling belt, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out what they’d been up to. 

“If that’s the reaction I get when I tell you I love, then you better get used to hearing it a lot.” Jared grins as he fastens his belt buckle and smoothes down his wrinkled tee-shirt. 

“No complaints from me.” Jensen winks, tongue slipping from his mouth and tauntingly licking his just-fucked swollen lips. Jared groans, his dick giving a pained jerk of interest despite how hard he came just a few minutes ago. 

Turning away, Jared grabs the blanket from the truck and tosses it at his boyfriend. “Stop it, you dirty tease.”

Eyes growing faux-innocent wide, Jensen pouts. “Stop what?”

“Stop trying to kill me,” Jared laughs. “You’re insatiable.”

“Just for you,” Jensen smiles, leaning up and smacking a wet kiss against Jared’s cheek. “Now, come on, stop distracting me. You promised me food.”

“Distracting _you_?” Jared shakes his head and laughs. He slaps Jensen’s ass, because two can tease, before taking the picnic basket from the truck and locking the doors. 

The cove is more rocks and stones than picture-perfect sandy beach, but Jared sets the picnic blanket up on a ribbon of sand far enough away from the sea that they don’t have to worry about their sandwiches getting soggy. Jensen makes impressed noises as he unpacks the basket. The beer gets opened first, the subs from the deli next, and, before Jared knows it, he’s surrounded by opened bags of chips, tubs of fruit and salad, cookies, and a pie from the bakery. Jensen digging in with appreciative gusto.

His boyfriend has an impressive appetite. One that even rivals Jared. Jared watches in awe as Jensen polishes off the potato salad, steals the last few chips, and moves in on the key lime pie. Although he’s used to watching Jensen eat by now, it still amazes him much food the guy can put away. And just how much he enjoys every mouthful. Especially considering how model-slim he is. The dude’s cheekbones could cut glass. 

“What?” Jensen says, fork stopping abruptly midway to his mouth. 

Jared shakes his head. “Nothing man, it’s just good to see you enjoying your food.”

Cheeks flushing, Jensen slowly lowers the fork. “I’m sorry. I guess the sea air makes me hungry?”

“I’m not complaining.” Jared smiles, nudging Jensen’s arm with his elbow. “It’s a relief to be with someone who isn’t watching their weight. At least, I know I’ll never have to skimp on dessert when we’re out for dinner.”

Jensen swallows his mouthful of pie and puts the fork down. “Chris says I have a fast metabolism. I don’t really put on weight. Still, maybe I shouldn’t— “

“Hey,” Jared says, kicking himself for opening his big mouth. “Jensen, I’m really not complaining. I love watching you enjoy your food. It’s just unusual to meet someone with an appetite as big as mine who isn’t a Padalecki.” 

Jared picks up a cookie and shoves the whole thing in his mouth, hoping that it’ll a) make Jensen feel less embarrassed, b) make Jensen laugh, and, most importantly, c) shut Jared the hell up. 

Jensen doesn’t quite laugh, but his lips crinkle with a shy smile and he rolls his eyes fondly as he brushes away the crumbs from Jared’s chin. 

“Seriously,” Jared says, once Jensen has relaxed again and snuggled down so he’s leaning back against Jared’s chest, alternately feeding himself and Jared the last few strawberries. “My mom is going to absolutely adore you. She’s always looking for people to feed. I’m sure it’s her fault my brother and I are yeti-sized.”

Jensen giggles softly. “I’d like to meet you family... one day.”

“And I want to meet yours,” Jared says, sucking a kiss onto the side of Jensen’s neck. 

Jensen stills at that. “My family... they live kind of far away.”

“Maybe we can skype,” Jared suggests. 

“They aren’t exactly keen on technology,” Jensen admits. “Or on me living out here.”

Jensen doesn’t talk much about his family, ever. Jared’s sneaking suspicion is that he’s escaped from a commune or some weird cult. Or maybe his family are Amish. Now, Jared thinks that would explain a lot! Like Jensen’s shyness. And his lack of a driver’s license. And the fact that he’d never played a video game until Jared introduced him to the delights of his PS4. And it would make Chris’s overprotective posturing a little more understandable.

Yeah, Jared thinks he might be onto something. 

But, if Jensen doesn’t want to talk about it, Jared isn’t going to force him. Families are complicated beasts. “Well, as long as you enjoy living here, that’s all that matters,” he offers simply. 

Jensen’s sweet strawberry-flavored kisses suggest that he’s more than happy. 

“You want to go for a walk?” Jared asks, once they’ve finished eating and have carefully cleared away all their rubbish, Jensen scrupulously clearing up every last scrap of trash. 

“Umm,” Jensen hesitates, regarding the water lapping against the shore with an odd degree of apprehension. The unease in the tiny lines at the corners of his eyes makes Jared think that perhaps it’s not Chris that’s afraid of the sea after all. 

“Come on,” Jared says, encouragingly. “Not much fun in coming to the seaside if we don’t get our feet wet.”

Jensen’s eyes snap down to his boots, which are sturdy and waterproof, and not likely to allow Jensen to get his feet wet unless he takes them off. “No,” he says with absolute conviction. “No getting my feet wet.”

“Okay,” Jared shrugs. “No getting our feet wet, I promise. We’ll just take a quick walk and then head back to the truck, okay?”

Jensen chews on his lip, unconvinced. “Maybe we shouldn’t get too close to the rocks. They’re kind of slippery.”

“Jensen,” Jared says, patiently, holding out his hand. “I won’t let you fall. Trust me.”

There’s a moment of hesitation, but then a look of determination replaces the anxiety in Jensen’s eyes and he reaches out and takes Jared’s hand. Jared tries not to wince at the ferocity of his grip, although it’s possible his reassuring smile turns into more of a pained grimace. 

They walk along the short ribbon of sand, down towards the rocky shore. It’s a beautiful cove and a gorgeous day, the sun sparking off the calm ripples of the sea as the waves splash gently at the rocks. Jensen’s grip on Jared’s hand eventually relaxes enough that the feeling returns to his fingers with a tingly rush of blood. 

“It’s pretty, right?” Jared says. “I’ve always loved the sea. I don’t even know why. I guess it’s kind of strange. I mean, it’s not like San Antonio’s exactly a beach town. I didn’t even see the ocean until I was a teenager.”

The smile Jensen flashes him is soft and sweet, and makes Jared’s heart do the kind of flippy thing that’s only supposed to happen in cheesy romance novels. “Maybe your soul just knew where it needed to be,” Jensen says, stretching up to his tiptoes to plant a kiss on Jared’s cheek. If anyone else said that kind of mystical shit Jared, would want to upchuck. But from Jensen, it’s just adorable. 

“What about you?” Jared asks. “Did you grow up near the sea?”

“Uh... well... I guess... kind of... ”

Any puzzlement Jared might have at Jensen’s stuttered answer to such a straightforward question is quickly forgotten in light of the bigger surprise of a large and decidedly scruffy seagull suddenly flying haphazardly towards them. It seems, bizarrely, to be focused right on Jensen. 

Jensen is looking intently down at his feet and doesn’t notice the approaching feathered missile until Jared stops abruptly. If someone was filming them, it would no doubt look hilarious. When Jared looks back on the moment later, he’s unspeakably relieved that no-one was around to film them. 

Jared’s sudden stop, coupled with Jensen’s distraction, plus slippery rocks underfoot and the added complication of a heat-seeking seagull projectile, ends with Jared failing to stop Jensen from jerking out of his clutches and pinwheeling with a high-pitched yelp into the sea. 

Jensen lands on his ass in a tidal pool large and deep enough to cover his crotch and soak his jeans straight through. Jared just manages to stay on his feet, sliding down into the pool far enough that the bottom of his jeans ends up sopping wet.

The seagull flying around them in circles is squawking like a lunatic and there’s also now a crab sitting on Jensen’s head. Jared can only imagine that the seagull dropped it there. If it wasn’t for the expression on Jensen’s face, Jared would find the whole thing hilarious. Jensen, however, looks more likely to burst into tears than peals of laughter. 

“Holy shit,” Jared chuckles, reaching down to give Jensen a hand up. “You alright, man? You didn’t hurt yourself, did you? God, that seagull is fucking crazy. Jensen?”

Jensen isn’t moving. He’s not even attempting to stand up and there is sheer panic on his face. 

“Jensen? Come on, let me help you up. Your ass must be frozen.”

“No,” Jensen’s voice is high and breathy, his hands slapping down into the water beside him. “You need to... you need to get out of here.”

“What?” Jared laughs. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jensen, just— ”

“Please,” Jensen cuts him off, desperation snapping in his tone. “Please, Jared, just leave. Now.”

“Jensen,” Jared argues. “Don’t— ”

And then, Jared looks down into the tide pool and sees the most bizarre thing he’s ever seen whilst sober. He could swear that Jensen has a tail. A big shimmering tail... like a fish. Or a mermaid. _ Exactly _ like a mermaid! Jared scrubs his hand across his face and looks down again, hoping that his eyes are deceiving him. That it’s an odd trick of the light. But nope. Jensen has a fish tail. 

“I don’t want to worry you,” Jared tells Jensen solemnly, staring at the water where Jensen’s legs really must be. “But, I think I have a brain tumor.”

“No, Jared,” Jensen says, looking up at him shyly from under those thick flirty eyelashes. “I’m a mermaid.” 

Jared takes his phone out of his back pocket.

“What are you doing?” Jensen asks. He sounds crestfallen for some reason.

“Jensen, I’ve definitely got a brain tumor. Or maybe I’m suffering from some kind of psychosis. I just heard you say you were a mermaid. I need to call... someone.” 

Jared isn’t sure who you’re supposed to call when you’re hallucinating, but he’s pretty sure it’s 911. Or maybe his mom. 

“Jared,” Jensen says, wriggling a little in the pool. “Please, put the phone away.”

Transfixed by the sight of Jensen’s shiny tail glinting under the water, Jared automatically does as he’s told and puts his phone away. Jensen’s voice now sounds a hell of a lot calmer than Jared feels. If he wants to take charge while Jared’s brain is staging a revolt then that’s fine by him. 

The crab by this point has crawled down Jensen’s head and is sitting on his shoulder. The seagull, circling overhead, has just narrowly missed shitting on Jared, the white splat of doom landing about an inch to his left. If Jared was paranoid, as well as hallucinating, he’d think the insane bird aimed for him on purpose.

“Okay,” Jensen says, carefully picking off the crab from his shoulder and setting it down on a rock. “Listen to me, you’re not crazy, or seeing things, or dying of a brain tumor... I swear.”

Jared nods, even though he’s sure that crab is staring right at him, and judging him hard. “Uh-huh.”

“I’m a mermaid. Well, a merman.”

“Sure,” Jared says dubiously. “Sounds legit.”

“I am,” Jensen insists. “I didn’t want you to find out. Not like this. Not at all, to be honest.”

“Is this a prank?” Jared asks, looking around suspiciously. If he’s not having some kind of seizure, perhaps this is all an elaborate joke. “Is Chad hiding behind a rock with a camera?”

Jensen shakes his head. Beside him, the crab looks strangely like it’s facepalming it’s claw. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but this isn’t a prank. You can see for yourself. I have a tail.”

Said tail splashes in the pool, sending a ripple of seawater over Jared’s boots. 

Jared pinches his thigh hard which hurts like a bitch. Without a doubt he is wide awake. And yet Jensen is still lying in a tidal pool with a fish tail instead of legs.

“Look,” Jensen sighs. “If you’re going to freak out and leave, can you just do it already?”

“You’re a mermaid.”

“Merman. Yes.”

“I fell in love with a mermaid.”

Jensen sighs again. The crab throws its claws up in the air in exasperation.

“Hey,” Jared snaps. “Give me a second, okay? It’s not every day you find out your boyfriend isn’t human. Oh my god, you’re not even _ human _. Are you... are you a siren? Did you lure me into your evil clutches with your sexy voice so you could me kill me and eat me?”

“No. I’m not a skanky siren.” Jensen scowls at him. “And I’m not evil. How could you even think that? I didn’t lure you in with anything. Goddamnit, you’re the one who asked me out. Man, I should have listened to Chris. He warned me that something like this would happen.”

“Chris knows? About the mermaid thing?”

“Yes, Chris knows. I got caught in a fishing net... he rescued me... nursed me back to health, blah, blah, blah... it’s a long story.”

“So, Chris knows all about... _ this _.” Jared waves his hand in the general direction of Jensen’s tail. “And you weren’t even going to tell me?” He’s not sure whether to be insanely jealous of Chris or just plain hurt that his boyfriend doesn’t trust him. 

“I thought you would freak out,” Jensen says. “And not to state the obvious or anything, but you _ are _ freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Jared bites back. Except he is. He takes a deep breath. And gives himself a firm talking to. Jensen is still Jensen. He’s still stupidly pretty. And insanely sexy. Even with a tail. A long glittery fishtail.

“Look,” Jensen says. “I know that this is all a bit of a shock.”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “You think?” 

Jensen ignores the sarcasm. “And if you want to leave, I get it, I do. But I don’t want to be stuck here until the tide comes in, or until someone else finds me and outs me to the whole world, so do you think you could at least call Chris and ask him to come fetch me?”

Jared has a sudden vision of Jensen’s photo splashed all over the front pages of the Weekly World News. He feels kind of sick. And then he thinks about Jensen being strapped down in some black ops research lab, a cackling scientist with a scalpel leaning over him, and he almost throws up. 

“Nope,” he says, his mind suddenly very clear about what he does and does not want. 

“Nope?” Jensen parrots.

Another splotch of bird poop lands a hair away from Jared. 

“Nope, I’m not leaving you here,” Jared clarifies. “Are you... I mean... will your legs... is this like... are you gonna be stuck like this?”

“I just need to dry off,” Jensen explains, patiently. “And then it’ll take a few hours for my legs to... y’know.”

“Okay,” Jared says. “So, we need to get out of here?”

“Preferably sooner rather than later,” Jensen says, looking around anxiously. And yes, this is a quiet little cove, but Jared should probably get his mermaid boyfriend out of here before some dog walker, or a bunch of teenagers, or a secret sneaky government spy stumbles across them. 

“Okay,” Jared says again, squatting down. “Put your arms around my neck.”

First, Jensen shoves the crab, who seems intent on climbing back up Jensen’s arm, gently back into the pool. “N’uh, no way. Not unless you want to end up in a salad. Get feathers to take you back home.”

Jared decides to save the freak out about his boyfriend having a conversation with a crustacean for another day. He has quite enough to deal with right now.   
  


It’s just as well that Jared works out most days because, despite his slim stature, Jensen is not light. And he’s a damn sight heavier with a dripping wet tail than with legs… yes, Jared has picked him up before, they have a fucking awesome sex life, thank you very much.

Even though he’s a little concerned about slipping and sending them both toppling back down onto the rocks, Jared has to admit that he does enjoy the feeling of holding Jensen in his arms. Even Jensen with a huge tail. Which, now that he can see it clearly, is incredibly pretty. The colors, greens and aquamarines and purples, sparkling like sequins under the sun. Weirdly, it doesn’t feel like fish scales; it’s silky smooth, not at all slimy, or gross, or smelly. There is something decidedly magical about it. Which makes sense. In a very strange kind of way. 

Jensen clings onto him tightly, yet doesn’t utter a single word as Jared carefully makes his way back to the truck. Usually Jared would try to break the awkward silence, but he’s still a little shocked about the whole ‘my boyfriend is a fish’ situation to joke just yet. 

It’s not until Jared is dithering beside the truck that Jensen finally speaks up. “If you even think about throwing me in the back of that rust bucket, I will kick your ass.”

Jared had been thinking it might be easier to, not throw, but very carefully _ place _ Jensen down in the bed of his truck —which is not a rust bucket, thank you very much— rather than try and squeeze him onto the bench seat in the front. Can Jensen even sit up with a tail. Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? 

Jensen looks serious though, a storm-warning flashing in his eyes.

“I just figured it might be easier for you to lie down. I could cover your legs, well, your tail, with the picnic blanket?”

“Kick. Your. Ass.”

Jared grins, a trace of his good humor returning at last. “Dude, you don’t even have feet right now. You ain’t kicking no-one.”

“Try me,” Jensen says, but he’s almost smiling now, too, a soft quirk of his lips and cute twitch to his nose. It’s enough to lighten the knot of pressure in Jared’s chest. 

Between them, they manage to get Jensen into the truck. Jared leaves Jensen attempting to get into a position that is both comfortable and hides most of his tail, while he runs back to pick up the picnic basket and blanket. 

Jensen looks neither comfortable nor like anything other than a guy with a big-ass fish tail when he returns. 

“Umm,” Jared says.

Jensen sulks. “Don’t even say it.

“Are you sure you don’t want to— ”

“Do not say it!” Jensen crosses his arms over his chest and pouts. It’s adorable. 

“Fine, fine!” Jared holds his hands up in submission and settles for climbing into the driver’s seat. Though he’s sure the back of the truck would be more comfortable for Jensen, he does understand why Jensen doesn’t want to flop around out there like a beached whale.

Yeah… he’s never going to tell Jensen he even let the phrase beached whale enter his mind. 

Instead, Jared lays the picnic blanket over Jensen’s lap, tucking it around his tail as best as possible, and then drives back into town, grandma-slow and careful.

“My place or yours?” Jared asks. 

“Well, I guess that depends on whether you want to explain to Chad that you’re dating a merman or deal with Chris saying I told you so.”

Fuck. Jared isn’t fond of either of those two options. 

“Maybe Chad won’t notice?”

Jensen looks at him incredulously. “You think he’s going to miss the fact I have a tail?”

Jared considers the chances. “If he’s been drinking?” 

Jensen shakes his head. “It’s the middle of the afternoon.”

“It’s Chad,” Jared counters. “The odds of him being drunk or high are always good.”

Jensen tips his head, conceding the point. “But, if he does notice that I’m… not exactly… one hundred percent… altogether… human, what are the chances he’ll keep it to himself?”

Jared hums, noncommittally. 

“And how is your mom going to react when she sees your face splashed across the gossip rags with the headline - My Housemate is Dating a Fish!”

Jared’s shoulders sag in defeat. “Your place it is.”

Chris is going to kill him.

“Y’know,” Jensen says, reading his mind and patting his thigh consolingly. “Chris won’t actually kill you. His bark is way worse than his bite.”

Five minutes later, when Jared is pulling up in front of Chris and Jensen’s house, Jared is praying very hard that Jensen is right. 

“So,” Jared says, switching off the engine. “Your legs are still not legs, huh?”

Jensen lifts up the picnic blanket to show Jared in shiny technicolor that they are very definitely not. 

Jared sighs hard. Chris is definitely gonna kill him. “Shit.”

“I told you it’ll take a few hours,” Jensen says, the guardedness slipping back into his tone. “I’m gonna need a hand into the house. Could you go see if Chris— ”

“Don’t be silly, Jen,” Jared says, unbuckling his seat belt. “I’ll take you inside.”

“Jared,” Jensen says. “I know this is stressing you out. You’ve done enough. Get Chris.”

“I’m not stressed out,” Jared says. “A little concerned maybe.” About Chris killing him and chopping him into tiny pieces. “But I’m not gonna dump you and run away.”

“But you are gonna dump me. Sooner or later. Someone like you isn’t going to want a relationship with someone like me.”

“Someone like me?” Jared repeats distractedly, looking anxiously at the house to see if there’s any sign of Chris storming out with a shotgun like an irate 1950’s father on prom night. 

“Yes, someone like you —tall, handsome, clever, kind, and with a huge dick— you’re a catch. I’m more… catch of the day!”

“Catch of the—” Whipping his head around, Jared is met with the awful sight of a teary-eyed Jensen. “Jensen, I love you. Whether you have two legs or none… or… or ten.”

“Ten?” Jensen shoots him a watery smile. “Really?”

Jared leans forward, cups Jensen’s face, and plants a tender kiss on his lips. “Really.”

Not really though, because that would make Jensen some weird kind of mutant spider and Jared thinks he might just draw the line there. All those extra limbs would creep him the hell out. However, there’s a time for honesty and this is not it. 

One more kiss, because Jensen’s lips are just too soft to only kiss once, and then Jared bites the bullet and drags himself away. 

Thankfully, Jensen’s neighborhood is a quiet one. There’s no-one around, as far as Jared can see, while he lifts Jensen out of his truck, the blanket covering his bottom half as much as possible. It’s not nearly big enough to cover him completely though. Jensen’s tail fin flaps agitatedly, his arms clinging tight around Jared’s neck as Jared half-runs towards the door. 

“Keys?” Jared asks. 

“Shit,” Jensen replies, which answers that question. 

It would be a relief when the door swings open just as they reach it, if it wasn’t for the look of fury on Christian Kane’s face. 

“What. The. Fuck.”

“Just let us in, Chris,” Jensen says. “Unless you want Mrs. Popper next door catching a good look at my shiny ass.”

Chris stands aside and ushers them in. He takes a quick glance outside to check they haven’t been spotted before slamming the door shut, spinning around, and glaring daggers at Jared.

“What did I tell you, asshole?” He snarls at Jared, a muscle in his jaw ticking. 

“Well, you didn’t tell me my boyfriend was part fish, that’s for sure,” Jared snaps back at him, feeling brave. Chris can huff and puff all he wants, but he can't do much while Jared still has Jensen in his arms.

“This isn’t Jared’s fault,” Jensen speaks up, in his defense.

“I told you,” Chris says, pointing at Jensen. “I told you this was a bad idea. Didn’t I say it was stupid to go down by the sea? Didn’t I tell you it would end in goddamn disaster?” He’s growling at Jensen this time, which should make Jared feel better. It turns out though, that he’s not very fond of anyone shouting at his boyfriend. Not even his boyfriend’s best friend. His protective streak gives him an extra shot of bravery. 

“Hey,” he bites back. “Don’t talk to Jensen like that. It wasn’t a disaster. It was awesome. We were having a great time until this psychotic seagull flew straight at us. It was an accident, that’s all.”

“An accident, huh?” Chris growls. “And what if someone saw— "

“No-one saw anything, Chris,” Jensen cuts in. He seems the calmest one out of the three of them right now, his voice cajoling, like he’s trying to wrangle an ornery mule. “And honestly, who would believe them if they did?”

Chris huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. He’s still glowering at Jared, albeit silently.

“And at least now Jared knows,” Jensen continues, attempting to find a silver lining in the situation. “And he doesn’t care.”

“He doesn’t care?” One of Chris’s eyebrows rises in scathing doubt. “He doesn’t care that his pretty boyfriend is actually a mermaid?”

“Merman,” Jared corrects, snottily. “I don’t do breasts.”

Chris smirks. “But you do do tails? Kinky.”

“Alright,” Jensen snaps. “That’s enough.”

Chris and Jared glare at each other across Jensen. The atmosphere so tense you could pop it with a pin. 

“As fun as this is,” Jensen says, tersely, his patience for Jared and Chris’ belligerent sniping obviously waning. “I’d like to dry off and get my legs back sometime this decade.”

“You heard him,” Chris says to Jared. “You can put him down on the sofa and I’ll take care of him.”

“Actually,” Jensen says. “Jared’s going to take me up to my room.”

Jensen’s tail seems to swish increasingly violently the more annoyed he grows. Jared’s a little worried Jensen’s going to wriggle right out of his arms. Mainly because he doesn’t want Jensen to get hurt. And just a teeny bit because Jensen is possibly the only thing stopping Chris from launching himself at Jared like a pint-sized avenging ninja. The guy might not be tall, but he’s at just the right height to punch Jared in the balls. 

Chris shakes his head, his tone shifting down a gear from pissed to resigned. “Jesus, boy, hasn’t he done enough already today?” 

“It wasn’t his fault, Chris, I swear. And he brought me home. He isn’t going to call the authorities or the press or anything else that you’re worried about. He’s a good guy.”

Chris stares stonily at Jared, unconvinced. 

Jared holds his glare, somehow completely certain that if he loses his nerve and looks away now, he’ll have failed a major test as far as Chris is concerned. Finally, when Jared’s eyeballs are in danger of turning to dust, Chris nods. And grudgingly offers Jared the smallest hint of a… well, smile might be overshooting it, but certainly the flicker of a suggestion that in the near future he might consider not killing Jared. 

There’s still a very real threat of danger in his growl when he speaks. “You prove him wrong, you let Jensen down, you let _ me _ down, and I will break your legs, both of them, every last bone, you understand me?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask Chris if he’s so focused on Jared’s legs because he can’t reach any higher up than that when self-preservation kicks in and, instead, he simply nods. 

He does hesitate halfway up the stairs to Jensen’s bedroom when he notices Chris is following them. “Umm...” he says to Jensen. “He’s not joining us, is he?”

“Unbundle your panties, Sasquatch,” Chris says. “I’m going to grab you some towels. Presuming you want your boyfriend to get his legs back?”

Jared gets the towels thrown at his head roughly twenty seconds after he sets Jensen down on his bed. At least Chris closes the door behind himself afterwards. Jared’s nuts unclench for the first time since they stepped through the door. 

“He’s kind of insanely protective, huh?” Jared notes, handing the towels to Jensen, like a normal person, as opposed to throwing them at him. 

“He has his reasons,” Jensen says, somewhat cryptically, setting the towels down as he strips off his damp henley.

Now that Jared has gotten over his world-tilting shock and has the time to properly appreciate Jensen in all his naked merman glory, he realizes how ridiculously gorgeous he actually is. And not just his otherworldly tail. Jared can’t help but wonder how he failed to notice before now, that his boyfriend wasn’t entirely human. It’s obvious. Even without the tail. Jensen is far too beautiful. His bone structure too delicate, his freckles too perfect, his hair too soft, his lips far too plush, his ears too… pointy.

“Dude,” Jared says. “Have your ears always been so…” He trails off at the wary expression on Jensen’s face. “Never mind.”

Jensen lets it go and passes Jared one of the towels instead. “You’re going to catch a cold if you don’t take off those damp clothes. Strip. Dry. Cuddle.” 

Jared quirks his eyebrow as he kicks off his boots. “God, give a guy a tail and he get a bossy streak all of a sudden.”

“Are you complaining?” Jensen asks. There’s a challenge in the angle of his chin though. A blink and you’d miss it flash of vulnerability in his eyes. He’s still not sure that Jared isn’t going to bail. 

Jared does the only thing he can to set his boyfriend’s mind at rest; he strips down to his boxers. Jensen nods approvingly. “You want a hand,” Jared asks. “Drying off?”

Jensen looks down at his tail and then back to Jared. “If you don’t mind?”

“So, Uh,” Jared says, sitting down on the bed bedside him and gently dabbing at his tail with a towel. “Your family, when you said they weren’t keen on you living out here, that’s because…”

“Because they prefer living under the sea than beside it, yes.”

“Uh-huh,” Jared says, mesmerized by the spectrum of colors shimmering through Jensen’s tail, the body-warmth thrumming below the glittery scales. “And you…”

“I’m allergic to seaweed. I freckle and burn whenever I’m sitting on rocks in the sun. And I really don’t want to marry any of the mermaids my father wants me to. I like watching TV with Chris, drinking beer, eating nachos, and… dick.” Jensen takes the towel from Jared’s hands, and tosses it across the room. “And I like you. Obviously.”

“Well, good,” Jared says, kissing Jensen’s forehead. “Because, in case you’ve forgotten, I love you. It would be pretty awkward if you didn’t like me.”

“So, we’re good?” Jensen asks tentatively. “Even sans legs?”

“We’re good,” Jared assures him, wriggling down the bed so he’s lying flat beside Jensen and tugging him into his arms. Jensen drags a warm blanket from the bottom of the bed across the pair of them. It’s not as weird as Jared would have thought to feel Jensen’s tail brush across his legs instead of his cold feet sliding between his calves as normal. 

“This doesn’t happen every time you have a shower, does it?” Jared asks. “Because I feel like I would have noticed that before now.”

Jensen chuckles. “Sea water, you doofus. It only happens with sea water.”

“Why the hell did you agree to go to the seaside then?” 

“Because you wanted to go,” Jensen returns simply. 

Jared can’t believe Jensen would risk himself so easily just because Jared wanted a picnic by the sea. Goddamn idiot. Goddamn adorable idiot. 

“And I miss it sometimes,” Jensen adds, a little wistfully. “The smell of the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.”

Jared’s stomach flips unpleasantly. “You… you’re not going to go back are you?”

“Nope,” Jensen says, snuggling in against Jared’s side. “Not while I still have beer and nachos and you.”

Jared chuckles and kisses the top of Jensen’s head. “So, not ever then?” 

“Not ever,” Jensen agrees, trailing his fingers across Jared’s chest, and then slipping them lower, Jared’s stomach rippling under his touch. 

“I hope you’re not starting anything,” Jared says, covering Jensen’s hand with his own to stop it from sliding any lower. 

Jensen sighs. “I guess not. It’s hard not to when you’re lying next to me all warm and naked though.”

Jared hadn’t wanted to ask such a delicate question, however seeing as how Jensen is the one with wandering fingers, he thinks it’s forgivable. “So, mer-sex, huh… how does that work?”

The noise that erupts from Jensen is something between a snort, a laugh, and a high-pitched hiccough. “You want me to explain the Merfolk birds and bees to you?”

“Wait,” Jared says, another thought occurring to him. “Who explained the whole human birds and bees thing to you? Did Chris… did you and Chris… I mean, that would explain why he’s always threatening me… if you and he...”

Jensen outright laughs this time. “Relax, big boy. Chris loves the ladies too much to sleep with me. The only thing he did was show me how to find Pornhub on his laptop and give me a box of tissues. You’re the only boyfriend I’ve had.”

“I am?” Jared can’t hide his pleased grin at that. “I was your first? That’s pretty hot.”

“First human,” Jensen says, casually. Jared isn’t sure how this is his life. His boyfriend has a non-human ex-boyfriend. 

“So, you had a merman boyfriend?” 

“Hmmm,” Jensen says. “Cecaelia actually, and it was more of a one night stand.”

“Cecelia?” Jared says, in surprise. “I thought you only like guys?”

Jensen chuckles, snuggling further into Jared’s side. “Not Cecelia, caecaelia. He was half octopus.”

Jared’s mind comes to a stuttering halt. “Half… octopus?” 

“The bottom half, obviously. But don’t worry,” Jensen says, patting Jared’s crotch. “Your dick’s more than big enough to make up for your lack of appendages.”

_ Finis _

Thank you for reading!!  
  


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